Bushman Cooks

Alligator Boots

admin — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 23:11:15 +0000

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Shit, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

A string goes into a bar

admin — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 23:10:18 +0000

He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys “Sorry we don’t serve strings”. So the string leaves.

The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys “Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away.”

The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys “Hey aren’t you that string that’s been coming in here all the time.”

They string replys “No I’m a freyed knot”.

Captains Orders

admin — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 23:46:51 +0000

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Thoughts for the weekend

admin — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 23:08:48 +0000

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,”Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

When help is needed

admin — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:54:59 +0000

A couple is in bed sleeping when there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it’s half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there’s a man standing there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost. It’s half past three and I was in bed,” says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, “That wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.” So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,

He shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?” The drunk replies, “Over here, on the swing.”

Zoon in need of staff

admin — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:53:32 +0000

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they’ll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn’t so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He’s terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help, Help!” The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, “Shut up or we’ll BOTH lose our jobs!”

Man replaces ex-girlfriend with custom-made sex doll

admin — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 00:16:23 +0000

A SEX-starved businessman was so hung up on his ex-girlfriend after she dumped him that he paid $18,000 to recreate her as a life-sized sex doll.

The 50-year-old man put together a collection of photos of his ex and told Italian adult toymaker Diego Bortolin: “I want it just like her but with bigger boobs”, Italy’s Il Messaggero newspaper said.

Note: The customer was very happy, his new girlfriend never talks back.

COULD YOU BE A MUSLIM???

admin — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 23:57:43 +0000

Take this simple test and find out.

1. Do you have more wives than teeth?

2. Do you own a $25000 rocket launcher but cant afford shoes?

3. Do you cultivate Heroin but have a moral objection to Beer?

4. Do you think vests come in two styles ? Bullet-proof & Suicide?

And most significantly:

5.Do you scrape the shit off your sweaty a## with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean?!

If you answer YES to any one of these questions

You should book a ticket and go where youi belong.

Veal Loin Chop and fried rice

admin — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:59:01 +0000

Text in progress

World Testicle Cooking Championships have a ball

admin — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 00:30:17 +0000

The seventh annual World Testicle Cooking Championships have taken place in a remote mountain village in Serbia, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘ball games’.

I am on a diet.